I am Yukpa hashi. I am Chahta. (And to my Chahta Elder, Tu Bears. Please get well. Many blessings, my friend.) Mitakuye Oyasin. Aho.

Four months, one day, 12 hours, 45 minutes and 43 seconds. 2490 cigarettes not smoked, saving $342.35. Life saved: 1 week, 1 day, 15 hours, 25 minutes.

I am a little late in posting this meter and sharing it with you. I think my new job is interfering with my puter time. (The nerve! Smile.) I have had an incredible journey these past four months. It's been a series of realizations and rediscovering me. But there is something about getting to this place that I would like to share with all of you.

When I was chatting with Peggy the other night, I shared my meter with her and I remarked that I somehow felt different. She said to me, "....The quit fits now." Wow. She was right on. That's the feeling exactly. The quit finally fits. Thank you Peggy for the words.

In reading the posts here lately, I think we all handle a tremendous amount of stress. I know I do. I have Michael, the body builder, for a bookkeeping client. I have told you about him before. I have a lot of colorful blue words that describes him perfectly but I would bet you already catch my drift. I had to deal with him today. His attitude in the sad-old-days (read smoking days) would send me racing for a cigarette as soon as we were done. Today, I explained his stuff to him and then simply left. He never once got to me. (I have used him frequently in my ABC model practice. It's paying off, I think. Oh, yes!) But what struck me as I was leaving for my next client was the calm that I felt and I knew then that I had learned a different way to handle the Michaels in my life other than racing for a cigarette. I am in a different place now.

I took the opportunity to go visit my grandsons while I was out and about today. When they saw me, they raced up to me and smooched me all over; they were glad to see their grandma. Now, I got these two little guys hanging all over me, they can't seem to get close enough to me on this day but it was not always like this. In fact, four months, and 1 day ago, they would have turned their heads to the side because of the cigarette smell and almost grudingly hugged me. I don't blame them. Now that I can smell, that ashtray smell *is* awful. I like hugging those guys and now they really like hugging me.

My next client is a wonderful lady, the total opposite of Michael. It's why I end my day usually with her. But she is having problems and needed someone to talk to. So after the meeting was concluded, I sat and listened. And then I hugged her. You know what? As I was leaving I thought, I would not have done what I just did four months ago. I was always conscious that I smelled of cigarettes and I wouldn't have gotten anywhere near my client, let alone hugged her. And if I thought about that one step further, I probably wouldn't have taken the time to listen either because I would have needed to assuage my nicotine addiction by the time I had finished with the meeting. I'm in a different place and I am beginning to really like this place a whole lot.

My National Quilting Speaker finally got into town last night. I was supposed to pick her up originally at 6:30 PM. Because of several delays, she didn't arrive until 11:30 PM. Now, I know you all can imagine the smoking needs (How many cigs would I have burned up in those 5 hours? Too damn many!) during that stressful time had I been a smoker. But of course, I am over four months smoke free and I no longer feel any of those "needs" anymore. Hallelujah. I actually had fun at the airport. There was a bunch of us waiting for that one flight. We shared news of flight arrival times and swapped stories about who we were waiting for. The time at the airport flew by.

I think though, more than handling the stress differently, I have reached a place where I handle the *quit* differently. It feels like I no longer use my emotional energy to maintain my quit 24/7. (I hope I can explain this adequately.) It's not a plateau although the feeling is similar in that I can breathe more easily now. It's not complacency because I am quite conscious of what I am about here still . There is a feeling of calm. Maybe it's like it just *is* now instead of my continually striving for "it". Does that make any sense?

I have changed so much. I wanted to share my Gratitude Quit Journal with you but I'm sure you don't have three days to read the post so I thought I'd just share a few things. (Giggling here.... You think I'm kidding, don't you? Nope.) I've already listed a few things ...like the smell around me for one. I was always so embarrassed that I smelled like an ashtray. And being a smoker, if I could smell it, what were the non-smokers I came into contact with smelling? I know now what they were smelling. Phew! I don't smell like that anymore. I'm grateful.

I can breathe. My chest doesn't hurt and I don't cough up ugly junk anymore. When I walk, I step right out and I feel great about taking care of me in this way. I want to see my grandsons grow up and become the good men I just know they are going to be. I also want to watch my daughter become a grandma herself. I have a son in graduate school who will one day marry and have a family of his own. I'd like to be around to see him teach his son to become a wrestler just like dad. If I had continued smoking, I am sure none of this would have been probable. I'm giving me a chance at life now. I'm very grateful.

I truly feel I can think more clearly now than I did four months ago. And yes, our wonderful newbies, your brain does come back online. Very big smile. And when it does, you are simply going to be amazed at the difference. When I reached the six weeks milestone, I caught myself pondering all week long about this and about that and trying to figure out a complex business problem when it struck me, I was thinking clearly! Omigosh, my brain was back online! And not only was it back, but it was clearer than ever before. Oh, yes! Huge feeling of gratitude on this one.

I have found more courage than I knew I had. I discovered this about myself when I was struggling in that first month. I never thought about courage and that quitting smoking had anything to do with courage. I just knew I wanted my body back, whole and with a chance at regaining my health. But when I got to about the three weeks milestone, I felt like I had survived a great battle. I knew then that Yukpa hashi had courage. It is why I remind you often to recognize your courageous effort in what you are doing. You've got lots of courage too and you show it just by being here. Be grateful for it. I am.

You know what I'm most grateful for? I know now that I have *reclaimed* my body. I no longer race out of meetings looking for a place to smoke. I no longer leave early so that I can be sure and smoke before I get to the next stop. I don't stand out in the rain (and now, it won't be in the snow either), dragging in killing smoke as fast as I can, before I freeze to death. I don't have that URGENCY about me that *dictated* my life and how I handled myself from nicotine craving to craving. I get to do as I please, when I please and whatever I please. I have reclaimed *me*. Think about it. Oh man, the water works could start all over again when I think of this one. This is what is called FREEDOM. I own it now. Grateful almost seems like an understatement here but grateful I am.

Last and certainly not least is *all* of you. I am very grateful for all of you. In one way or another, each of you plays a part in my quit. If you are ahead of me, thank you for sticking around and continuing to be with me/us. When you share your picture of your success, that's what lights my/our way. Thank you so much for all of your encouragement too. It really does help. (My own personal guiding lights, Mr. T. and Ms. M, I was blessed when the Creator gave you to me. Thanks for hanging tough with me. I know it's not always been easy.) To those of you behind me... you remind me to pay attention and to keep myself aware of what I am about. You are just as important to me as any other folk in AS3. Thank you very much for keeping the word "support" in our AS3 newsgroup. That is critical to our success. Well, ....thank you. I am very grateful for you all.

Now, my fellow 5/25'ers.... Franz, Harry, Map, Mark, and sweet Sister Selma, let's take a bow.... We reached this milestone together, through thick and thin, through the most intense cravings and urges, through the nightmares and smoking dreams, through the apples and the jolly ranchers, with the loss of one and the regaining of him shortly (oh, yes!), through the tears and the many group hugs; I can't imagine what it would have been like without you guys to share this incredible journey with. We are 1/3 Old Farts! Yippee!!! We deserve this place of a quit that finally fits. Aho.

Yukpa hashi ------->>>>>>>> passing the talking stick
Pat/Laughing Moon/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette

There is no cure for birth or death save to enjoy the interval.
-- George Santayana