Hello AS3,
I have been thinking about all of you and especially of you newbies. I congratulate you on your decision to get free. I honor you for the strength and courage that you are showing every day/every moment you honor that decision. Smoke freedom is all that you've heard it is. It's sweet here.... indeed.

I am quit now for over two years. Most of what I went through to get to here is archived on my website but I was having to deal with another minor dip into my 'blue place' here recently and when I had gotten to the other side, I thought maybe I'd write to all of you about this process and specifically about quit depression.

I have written about this topic lots. It is one of those topics that most would rather not read about nor do they want to recognize that this can be very real symptom for some of us when we quit smoking. But if those that are suffering with tears that won't quit or with being sad without the ability to pop out of it and are feeling like there is something very definitely wrong with them, I want you to know there probably is.... and there might be a reason for it.

A bit of my history.... I quit smoking cold turkey on 5/25/98. About three days into my quit, I was overwhelmed by the tears. At that time, a longer term quitter suggested I try St. John's Wort, which I did immediately. Although it didn't take effect right away, in time, I knew that it was helping a little. But omigosh.... the tears.... I would be working at the store and have to run to the back room because I had started crying *again*. I started to call these tears the 'tears from Hell'. I mean it was like the tears came from out of left field. I was not under any more stress than normal other than the stress of quitting smoking. I simply couldn't pinpoint a reason for my crying. It was very confusing and VERY unsettling to me.

I had read here in the ng that there was such a thing as 'quit depression'. Now, I had never spent a depressed day in my life. I am not that kind of person. I am cheerful and live life as a half-full person. My grandsons know me as a dessert first grandma. To be stymied by these tears (And yes, they stopped me cold.... how was I to go out if I couldn't control when these tears would hit me?) and to feel this darker side of me was horrifying to me. I couldn't understand it and I couldn't seem to do anything about it. I was on a roller coaster ride and the ticket taker forgot to let me off!

I was so blessed to have folks around me that not only supported me but gave me the information that provided understanding of what was happening to me. It seems that when I quit smoking, I deprived my neurotransmitters of nicotine. When I smoked, the nicotine coated these neurotransmitters and gave them a (very false) sense of well-being. When I took that away, my neurotransmitters were without this coating and were akin to raw nerve endings.... and this produces what is called, Quit Depression.

I kept trying to deny that my depression was getting worse. ddSteve, Melly, Mona and my quit family (the 5/25'ers) all tried to gently suggest I go see the doctor. Being a very stubborn person, I kept thinking I would get better.... if only because I was willing it so! The long story short, the depression became so bad that when I did finally go see my doctor, it was a very long road back. I knew I was in trouble because whereas in the early days, when I went into a depression, I would be there for about a week and then climb back out on the other side. When the time frame for the 'climb out' became longer and longer and when I finally just stayed depressed most of the time, I started to get really scared for me.

I think my family doctor is a typical doctor who doesn't quite believe in quit depression but because he was either just humoring me or because I was in his face insisting that there was something VERY WRONG with me, he started monitoring the quit depression. When it was clear that the St. John's Wort wasn't working any longer, I knew I needed to check it out further.

Shortening up the story a bit more, I finally went to see a psychiatrist that specializes in depression and the meds to treat it. In the beginning, I had quit depression.... but after a length of time, it's not called that any longer. I had/have chemical depression and it is important that it gets treated. (And in reality, that's the good news... it's treatable!) All of my denial and my willing it to be otherwise couldn't convince my neurotransmitters to regain their health. I would need chemicals to replace my natural chemicals until my body began to reproduce them on its own.

You can't imagine the *relief* that I felt when my Pdoc pulled out article after article about quit depression. My regular G.P. must not have read these articles out of the medical journals that shows the research to back this diagnosis up but there they were.... right in front of my face. Then started crying (again...) because I finally realized there was a true medical reason for what I was experiencing and it wasn't all in my head.

I continue to treat my depression with meds. I have developed a Tool Kit that I use when I feel myself slipping into the blue place. That Tool Kit is very similar to my Quit Tool Kit. Some of the tools that I use are taking a walk, taking a time out just for me, treating me gently with a bubble bath, a good book, or whatever makes me feel good..... bottom line is that I found I hit this 'blue place' when I am tired and not sleeping properly, eating properly or generally not taking good care of me.

Gratefully, the meds that I am on have allowed me to find a place where I've regained my emotional stability. In that I went into the blue place that I mentioned at the top of this post, I didn't feel bad about that. It actually made me realize that I was not overmedicating myself, that I was still able to feel sadness and all of the emotions... I just don't get depressed and stay there anymore. I thank the Creator for that.... and my wonderful Pdoc.

So.... those of you who are crying more than is normal, who are getting depressed more than what you are comfortable with, who are experiencing anything that is making you concerned about you, I am asking you to please go see your doctor. At least allow him or her to monitor what is going on with you. And don't let anyone tell you that what is happening to you is all in your head. You walk out that door if that is their response and find a doctor that is willing to work with you to help get you to a place of more stable emotions.

I understand quit depression. I've lived it and am living with it. I maintain to this day that I would go through it all over again just to be here, breathing free. Quit depression is treatable. I would rather deal with chemical depression than chemotherapy or oxygen therapy. There is no choice there as far as I am concerned. It continues to be worth it all. Absolutely.

I hope you don't mind that I have written about this very hard topic. I was so grateful when I was first quit to get the information that let me know I wasn't alone. I want to send that message out to all of you who might need to hear it. You aren't alone. You have me.

I also want to take a moment to congratulate the 3rd Generation of 5/25'ers. You're QOF's and doing terrific!!! I'm proud to walk the walk with all of you.

I'm very grateful for this newsgroup.... for all kinds of reasons.... but mostly for being there for me when I needed you most. Thank you....
Pat Yukpa hashi/Laughing Moon/budette

Two years, three months, one day, 9 hours, 1 minute and 8 seconds. 16487 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2,703.95. Life saved: 8 weeks, 1 day, 5 hours, 55 minutes.

Steve (slackr) has recently updated my/our website. If you want, take a look.....
www.talkingstick.net