Yukpa hashi taking up the talking stick once again....

Well, I find myself in the most curious of places today. Actually, this is where I have been all week. I don't quite know how to even explain this place where I find myself but well, you've never known me to be shy with words, and this time is no different so I'm going to try and explain.

I was walking the track this morning....

(I gotta share this story with you first. This is off topic but I get a laugh every time I go to the track when this happens. I am Chahta and when we circle up, everything [anything that gets passed around, dancing, walking, etc.] goes around clockwise - right shoulder leading or to the inside. We do everything clockwise because that is the way of the Universe. But if you stop and think about it, those that use a track go around counter-clockwise - their left shoulder to the inside. Well, I get the weirdest looks because I go clockwise and everyone else -- EVERYONE ELSE! -- is going counter-clockwise. This morning, 4 people hopped out of a car, dressed to the nines in their cute, little running outfits; they did their stretches and then hit the track. Well, here's this round-bottomed 50 year old grandma in shorts and some crummy tee shirt walking the "wrong" way around the track and well, they didn't quite know what to make of me. [Now by about this time, I am starting to giggle a little because I can see all of this cross their faces 'cause I've seen it lots of times before. Smile.] Anyway, they start running on the track. I give way to them, staying on the outside while they do their thing on the inside. When we come face to face on the first pass is the polite hello.... next pass is, How are you?, and by the time they've circled again, they too were sporting smiles at the recognition that we got to talk to one another every time they passed me. I have met some really interesting people this way. And laughed a time or two as well.)

Well, as I was walking around the track, I realized I was shuffling and scuffling my feet, not stretching it out as is my normal way. Humm.... Well, it was hot and I didn't get out of the house this morning as early as I would have preferred and maybe that explained why I was feeling like I was just *putting in my time* versus enjoying what I was doing.

And then this thought followed right after that thought.... Maybe what I have been feeling all week long was that I have fallen into a place where I am just putting in my time. I have reached a place where I am gaining comfort in my smoke-free existence. I have put in the time now; I have done the work as well as participated in the ng and with my quit group and with my support group and well,....because of putting in the time, I think I must have reached a plateau that is not requiring 100% of my attention anymore.

How often have I prayed for this plateau? I can't even begin to know that number, it is too huge. Smile. How often, with the tears flowing and the emotions all messed up, did I think about getting to a place where I didn't have to spend so much of my time focussing on my quit? Well, it seems I have arrived at that plateau and it took me a week to recognize it. (Oh man, I am giggling here. I never claimed to be smart, you know.)

But there is a problem here for me too, I think. I am not so far along in my quit where I am in danger of becoming complacent. My quit is precious to me, so I am still maintaining great care with it. But I had this image cross my brain of that little six year old (me) stomping her foot and saying, "But there's nothing to do!" Is this silly or what? I prayed to get here and now that I have arrived, I am complaining because there's nothing to do? You know -- the attention and the focus and the effort and the reading and posting and the journal work and the homework and ... and.... and.....there was always something to do to help oneself in learning to live without nicotine? Humm.... Well, I found I needed to find "something to do" while I am enjoying this plateau and I wondered if maybe it is just as important to maintain awareness at this plateau level as it was in the first two months? Hummm.... (And I would appreciate any comments on "something to do" from those of you who have been where I am.)

Well, what I decided to do today was: 1. Enjoy this plateau. I have worked hard to get here. 2. Maybe now is the time to read and post more? 3. One thing I did do is go to Bud Ellis's home page and wander through his story again. (If I ever lack for a bit of resolve on a certain day, I go here and let Bud's words/story add to my backbone.) But in this trip, I went to the Gallery of Winners. I saw face after smiling face and I could feel their success in learning to live without nicotine in those smiles. Wow. I was able to renew my picture of where I am heading in this way. Here's the site -- http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Ranch/6100/ -- take a look. (I also love being able to put a face to some of the great folks that support us so generously here in as3.) 4. I think I need to write more.... Explore this place, this plateau and get a really good sense of what it feels like. Because you know what? I would bet this is what that comfortable smoke-free place is like. I don't know about that because I am still early in my quit but what I am experiencing on this plateau is "quiet". Do you know what I mean by that? It's calm here, no struggle. Oh yes!!! And I would imagine that once I reach that permanent comfort level in my quit, it will be quiet there too.

Well, I'm all set to see what next week will bring in this adventure of learning to live without nicotine. I can sure say without hesitation that there has been nothing that has happened so far to me in this quit that has not been a learning experience with joy attached to it. Does ".... with joy attached to it" seem weird to say? The joy comes from knowing that I have done it. That I have, just like you guys have, somehow put one foot in front of the other, added one moment to one moment, turning those moments into days and now months on my meter, to get to at least to this place of comfort: Two months, one week, 23 hours, 34 minutes and 15 seconds. 1379 cigarettes not smoked, saving $189.70. Life saved: 4 days, 18 hours, 55 minutes. And I am in a good position to continue on keeping on until I get to a plateau that I can plant my rounded-bottom on for a good long while.

Thanks again for circling up with me. I continue to feel tremendous gratitude to all of you for letting me talk a bit....

Yukpa hashi -------------------->>>>>>>> passing the talking stick clockwise
Pat/Laughing Moon/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette