I
am Yukpa hashi. I'm Chahta, Cherokee, English, Irish and Scots.
Mitakuye Oyasin. Aho. This day is one of joy for me as well
as one of reflection.
My meter is full of twos today. Just so you know where I am
coming from: Two months, two weeks, two days, 22 hours, 12 minutes
and 24 seconds. 1559 cigarettes not smoked, saving $214.36.
Life saved: 5 days, 9 hours, 55 minutes.
So tomorrow I am stepping up to another year being notched on
my belt....I turn 51. I don't know what it is about birthdays
but mine usually push me to reflect on where I have been and
where I want to go. In this past year, I quit smoking and I
am in the process of permanently learning to live without nicotine.
Quitting smoking has given me so many gifts. In this coming
year, as I continue to realize what it means to OWN me again,
I would bet that many more gifts are on their way.
In a couple of weeks, I will head up the hill to find a sacred
spot to plant myself for 3 full nights and 2 full days. I will
spend 5 days altogether in a Vision Quest. I'll string my prayer
ties around an area and this will become my "home"
for my time there, out of eyesight and hearing from another
human being. I went on a quest 3 years ago that was to change
my life for all time. This quest will probably be no different.
But I was thinking about the Vision Quest this morning as I
was walking the track. TuBears is expecting a "Letter of
Intent" from me. She wants to know why I am asking to go
on this quest. She wants to know what I intend to learn from
being with just the Creator and a jug of water for all of that
time. Well, that's a good question.
When I quit smoking, I wrote a "Letter of Intent"
(my reasons for quitting smoking) to myself. In the writing,
I made it known to me and to the Universe why I was doing what
I was doing. And in making it known, I had something that I
could fall back on and read when I was unable to hold on to
anything else. This "letter" has become very valuable
to me over the last couple of months. In times of confusion,
I could read it and it helped me be clear again about why I
was quitting smoking and going through all of this. It has also
allowed me the hand hold that I needed until I could find my
footing again. (I cannot stress to you strong enough to state
your reasons for quitting smoking to you and to the Universe.
You will feel strength from the statement every time you read
it.)
I have been faced with anger issues here recently. I hate anger
issues more than I hate the tears so that sort of gives you
an idea of how unhappy I have been lately. Not good. But the
feelings that are surfacing and that I am facing are, if I think
about it, the result of my "Letter of Intention."
In my letter I stated in part, "I want to be free....free
of nicotine and free of it's hold on my life. I want to OWN
me again." And so that means that if I asked for the healing,
I don't suppose I get to complain overmuch about how the healing
happens, you think? Smile. (Now, don't go back and look at my
old posts just to see how much complaining and belly aching
and crying I did. I fess up. I did it a lot! Just ask my support
group. That's not what I am talking about. Whatever feelings
are needing to be expressed, you express them all. Get them
out! But when they have been expressed and you are feeling better,
realize that this is all part of the process of healing. You
have to go through stuff in order to get rid of the insidious
properties of nicotine addiction. You won't die from it. You
will survive it. But it takes time. Allow TIME on your meter
before you allow impatience to sabotage your quit. Understand?)
Well, my intent for this next year in my life is to OWN me once
and for all time. I have made a great start with my two and
one-half month's plus. I read ddSteve's "A Different Quit"
early in my quit; and when I finished with it, I knew I had
been handed the key to my request in my "intention letter".
I have taken that method and utilized it to gain two and a half
months of freedom. What has that freedom been worth to me? Ohmigosh....
and now the tears start...sorry to get your shirts wet once
again....it has been worth it all. I don't care about the tears,
the pain, the frustration, the anger.... I don't care! What
I care about is *me*. I am getting me back. That is worth everything.
In the early days of my quit, I talked about how sweet it was
to have my grandsons snuggle up to my smoke-free face and smooch
me all over and to hear them tell me, Grandma, I am so glad
you quit smoking. I have used that memory as a motivator over
these 2 1/2 months so many times. When I go and have dinner
with them on Sunday, they'll be so excited about my birthday
and wanting me to open whatever it is that they have for me.
What they don't realize is the gift that they have already given
to me....this gift of motivation to stay quit. Wow. So many
gifts I have received from quitting smoking. So many wonderful
gifts.
So, this coming birthday year, I'll gain the hot tub. I will
continue to use the techniques that Steve has shared with me
to gain my freedom from nicotine for all time. I will experience
every emotion and learn to deal with my emotions as an adult
and not as that child that I was when I started smoking. (It
was like my survival skills got stopped the moment I started
smoking. Cigarettes became my coping strategy. Well, no more.
Time to own up to who I am at age 51.) And I will continue to
be grateful for my AS3 family who continue to give to me on
a daily basis a dose of reality and inspiration I had no idea
existed before I found this group of incredible people. I am
especially proud of the newbies. I have watched them support
one another in the most wonderful way. Please keep it up. This
is one of the most potent quit aids we have available to us.
And now I am off to go learn the first of two new things that
I am doing this birthday week. I have a new kite! For my birthday,
I bought myself a dual line "Beetle", and I'm off
to go learn how to fly it. Yippee! And tomorrow night, I am
going to learn applique. I have refused up until now to learn
this method of quilting but now I have an ulterior motive. I
want to learn applique so that I can use the method in designing
my own kites. Very big smile. That's this year coming up! Aho.
I am....
Yukpa hashi -------------->>>>>>>>>passing
the talking stick
Pat/Laughing Moon/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette
