I am Yukpa hashi. I am adopted Chahta, Cherokee, English, Irish and Scots. I am.... a non-smoker. Smile. Mitauye oyasin..... which means 'all my family'.... and that you surely are. Yaqne.

Have you ever had a dream, a thought, a wish for something so strong that you just 'ached' for it to come true? I did. When I quit smoking two years ago, I wanted it that bad and that feeling came from deep inside of me.

Two years ago, my lungs hurt when I breathed real hard. I was tired of hiding my smoking habit from many of those around me. I was tired of being hurt by my family and friends when they would step back because they had a hard time with the smell of this smoker. I was tired of not being able to do anything physical because I didn't have the lung power to do it. Climbing stairs, walking distances, or even chasing an errant baseball thrown by my grandson was difficult for me. I was tired of this incredible tension that was created by a nicotine habit that would not allow me peace until I had fed it. It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing.... I had NO choice but to get to a place where I could light up. But two years ago, I had reached that point again where I was *very* ready to try to find a way to get rid of the chains that bound me to something that was literally stealing my breath away.

I had tried to quit smoking.... many, many times. I can't even remember the number of (fairly) serious tries... but they were all without success. It was too damn hard, I thought. I am not one of those than can make the decision to quit and then just walk away from the smokes. Every time I tried to do that, it was the same scenario. I would get a few days into a quit and then I would cave. In the end, I truly felt I was tied to this addiction for all time.

But then I would get to *'aching'* again. I wanted.... I knew I NEEDED.... to try to quit smoking again. And then I found AS3 and in the finding, I found a new way to approach quitting. As it is turning out, I found a successful way for me to quit this deadly addiction. (I am continually grateful to AS3 for all that it has given to me. I can't even begin to tell you of its wealth of information and support that I received and continue to receive from this awesome newsgroup. Thank you all.... so very much!)

I am two years quit now. Just even writing that statement brings great tears to my face because I have worked very hard to get to this place of smoke freedom. I have survived many changes that were required of me in order for me to recover from my nicotine addiction. I am not one who minds change but many of the changes were not of my choosing.

The early changes were very hard and required me to continually adjust to what felt like shifting sand. Getting my footing was difficult. But I kept up the walk, kept up my attitude (generated by my *ache* to be free) and kept my eyes forward towards a day like today.... where the only tears I am shedding now are those of pure, *absolute* joy.... 'cause I became a DOF today. And this is a place that I NEVER thought I'd reach.... ever again.

In this *process* of reclaiming my body, the best changes that I have gone through are I can finally breathe deep and clear.... no coughing (what felt like) my lungs out or coughing up that horrible junk. I can smell the Spring flowers all around me and when the Spring rain falls, I can breathe deep the clean smell that it brings. I can laugh now and not have it end up in a coughing spasm. (Some of you know that I REALLY appreciate laughter. Afterall, my name is Laughing Moon. Smile.) I can stick around with my family and friends and not have to run off (and usually miss the punchline) to grab a smoke 'cause I simply didn't have a choice to do otherwise. My chest doesn't hurt, I don't stink, I don't have a continual acidic stomach, I can think more clearly, and most of all..... I get to be me..... the *real* me.... warts and all.

I once posted a writing here about three young brothers who were running a juice, cookie and cherries stand. These 3 little angels in disguise (smile) made me realize that I can now be truthful with my world. I don't have to sneak around anymore. I can live my life straight up, dealing with both the good and the bad in a clear way.... which in the long run allowed me to feel more deeply than I had felt in a VERY long time. The courage that I found in achieving what I once thought was an impossibility tells me now, 2 years later, that quitting smoking wasn't an impossibility at all. I just needed to honor that 'ache' from deep inside me *in any way that I could*.... and I did....

ddSteve, I continue to thank you for teaching me Cog Quitting. The understanding that I achieved about this process of retraining my brain and creating new responses to the 'urges' not only made sense to me but it is allowing me a way of life that is free of thoughts of smoking. You can't know how much this means to me. It's like I have saved my life because of this learning. It's two years now between us.... and that you continue to walk the walk with me is a gift I can never repay.

My 5/25'ers... My Sister Selma, my brothers, Mark, Harry and Frank.... Holy moley, guys.... 2 years!!! For those of you who don't know me, I am part of a quit group called the 5/25'ers. We banded together way back then (smile) and continue to this day to remain a family. We shared all of the tears, the frustrations, the pain AND the joy of this walk in that first year. This second year has been a walk of babies and families and Xena, the Warrior Princess (Don't ask... but my Aussie brother is fun!). I can't see me without them. We are family, for sure.... and I love them very much!

We have kept a group meter that I think will blow your mind:

Group Totals:
Cigarettes not smoked: 118523
Money saved: $16,290.87
This group has not smoked for a combined total of 13 Years 1 Month 3 Weeks 4
Days 11 Hours 30 Minutes 22 Seconds

Ain't that a grand meter? HUGE, smile....

2nd Gen'ers.... (Now the joyful tears really fall!) Bonnie, OF and Diane, OF, I am VERY proud of both of you. You have shown great courage in your walk. You have found the way to a more peaceful existence because of that courage. As we start a 3rd generation of 5/25'ers, your example will shine a *very* bright light for these folks to follow. I am deeply grateful that you allowed me (and my Sister Selma) to walk beside you. Rene' and Gaz.... Selma and I are right there and when it is your time to splash into the 5/25'er tubs, you KNOW we will be there applauding your accomplishment. Keep on keeping on all of you. The path ahead gets even better.

I encourage all of you to keeping walking the walk.... *no matter what*. It is a choice to be made to honor ones' self and then to find an understanding of the recovery process that will give you the handle up you will need to smoke freedom. I know that it took me many attempts to find that understanding but I finally did. I wish you great strength in your journey. I also thank you for reminding me of where I started. That reminder helps to keep me on this smoke-freedom path. Keep on keeping on....

Although my commitment to honor me and my body by remaining smoke-free is for the rest of my life, I am gonna pause here long enough to savor this milestone deeply. All of the changes, all of the tears, all of what this path has thrown in my way.... has become a no thing in light of all of what I have realized in the end. This realized good stuff *FAR* outweighs the pain of quitting. I honor me for walking the walk, for keeping my sight on smoke freedom and for taking that 'ache' and turning it into a smoke-free reality.

I am grateful today. I am grateful for all that this path has given to me. I can be... just me.... a non-smoking me. At this point in my quit life, I can truly say I have turned that 'ache' into ABSOLUTE joy.

I am....
Yukpa hashi, DOF
Laughing Moon/Pat/budette

Two years, 48 minutes and 27 seconds. 14620 cigarettes not smoked, saving $2,397.79. Life saved: 7 weeks, 1 day, 18 hours, 20 minutes.

Please take a look at the website, if you want. Steve (slackr) has updated it for me. (Thank you again for all that you have gifted to me, my friend. I am *very* grateful.)
www.talkingstick.net