OK, Melbourne, Beverly, Wels, Philly, Groningen, New York, Toronto, Taos, Aberdeen, Dayton, and the rest of you who might consider me a friend, I need you to hold the space now.

It is the middle of the night here. I have been having mild tantrums for the past two or three days. I chalked it up to sleep deprivation and the stress from that time of the month where I deal with bookkeeping clients and I would rather not. I have read the posts in here of late from those of you who are also going through this place. I am assuming this anger is part and parcel of quitting but that holds little weight right now for me. So what? Do I care? Hell no. All I know at this moment in that I am pissed beyond recognition of me.

I told you here once how much I hated the tears inherent in this quit. I also told you, I think, that I don't handle anger so well. The life history behind both of those handling inabilities is long and sad and I simply don't want to revisit there because it serves no purpose in the recounting. So you will just have to trust me and know there are reasons I don't handle any of this well. It is also my reason for my calling you here tonight to stand with me until this passes. It scares me to death to be here. So don't leave me.

I have tried all day today to practice what I believe in regards to handling what is going on for me in my quit. I have not been successful today. And that is unsettling to say the least. It really gets to me when my head simply loses control of my emotions and all I see is red and no other color (a more safe place) to settle into. What is going on here?

I took a VERY long walk this morning to try and smooth the emotions out. I got back and wrote a post about being amazed at how far I am walking now because of the 5 back surgeries that I have recovered from but still deal with. And that got put into the draft folder because when I reread it, I wondered what the point was? I couldn't send it. It was such drivel that I finally deleted it. I usually walk to get back to a more centered place so I can continue on here. Get on with not only the quit but since I work out of my home for a living, I need to be able to do that -- work. It's sort of important to my overall well-being, you know? Well, it obviously didn't *work* today. All the walk produced was drivel with obviously no lessening of the tension. (Is the drivel a comment on my thought processes today? Hummm....)

I finished my work here and I am ready to meet with clients tomorrow. But I find I am too close to spontaneous combustion to even appreciate that this is my food money for next month. I don't care. A fire could have consumed all of the paperwork today and I would not have cared one whit. My attitude today was, Burn, baby, burn. I'd finally have an excuse for not being able to do anymore bookkeeping if it all burned down now. Now say, there's a thought. Where's a match?

I got sleepy about 9 PM tonight. I did not want to go to bed and sleep then because I knew just as sure as my head was gonna hit that pillow at that early hour that I would be up at this hour of the night; I haven't been sleeping much. And the first thing to hit me getting up after only 3 hours of sleep was that I was really pissed off. I was beyond just mad. (Like I said this has been building for a few days.) It didn't take me long to realize that I was going to rant and rave and throw a tantrum so huge that in the doing, I would put out so much blue smoke that it was gonna look like Nevada was nuclear testing again. I HAD HAD IT!!!!! . My stomach hurts. My back hurts. My head hurts. And I am pissed because I am awake at 12:22 AM and unable to go back to sleep. I simply don't know how to be reasonable when I feel so incredibly unreasonable. I can't go for another walk because it is DARK out there. I am in no mood for water therapy (you know, the bubble bath trick. My head is already shaking itself back and forth and saying, Don't even try it 'cause it won't work.). If it were daytime, I'd pull my drum down off the wall and bang on it for a good 30 minutes. That 'd work. But it's the middle of the night and my neighbors would probably call the police on me. (Would they allow me to put clothes on before they hauled me off?) I have some great foot stomping music. I'd really love to put that on the ol' CD player, crank the volume up and stomp around here until my feet hurt and I couldn't do it anymore. But the noise would probably wake up the two old ladies who live near me even though they are incredibly hard of hearing. (I go around screaming all of the time -- *talking* to them -- so what's my problem here? I get a daily dose of hollering, one might think that that would be enough!) My quit buddy recommended plugging in the guitar and turning the volume up to 10, hammering out power chords until the hand bleeds. Sounds good to me but well..... I don't have one and don't know where to steal one. There's also getting into the car and driving for a few (hundred is probably what is needed in my case) miles with the music turned up and singing at the top of my lungs. (F, I am going to go ahead here and give 'em the rest of your list that you sent to me. I am finding it helpful just reading it again and I'd like to share your wisdom with the rest of the circle. You can beat on me later -- hey, in this state of mind it might be welcomed -- if I have made a mistake in doing this. I made a few changes from your original ideas so as to fit me. Thank you again.) I could go into the bedroom and scream at Beanie Baby. Have a religious debate with my mom. (That thought alone causes my blood pressure to head out the door.) I could pound on my pillow while my wife rubs my back except I don't gotta wife. You got a spare? I could take out the anger on someone who *truly* deserves it. (Now, where is my list?) Or I could hop into the shower and tell the showerhead all of my problems. I could get it out and the showerhead, I was assured, would be a very good listener. Or I could watch something funny as laughter is also a good release for anger ---- as I have just found out. All in all, sound advice and I understand the bottom line. To get it out in some way.

I have been trying to hold it in -- control it, for gawd's sake, is the term, Pat. As I have said already, this has been building for a couple of days and the reason it has been going on for that long is because I didn't know how to (or was too afraid to, more like) let it out. Tonight I had no choice. When one hasn't slept well for three weeks, four days, 12 hours, 22 minutes and 48 seconds (hey, I take EVERY opportunity to brag!), eventually the control is going to go. I think in my case that what I probably should have done was to recognize what I was dealing with in the early stages and to find a safe way to release it before it got to the nuclear explosion stage. (I hate "shoulds". Because my first thought here after making that last "should statement" is I *should* not have started smoking in the first place because then I wouldn't be going through all of this. Should statements are like saying the current fav slang "duh".)

My new strategy for handling my anger is as follows: Since the method of release that will probably work best for me is not in the actual screaming and hollering (Hell, I don't have a wife to holler at!) but is in recognizing, exposing and then trying to find the laughter inherent in the mad. That's a thinking process and although it is my first choice, it may not always be available to me, eh? As has been evident today. If I fail to find the humor, then I am going to pound on the drum or on a pillow. (The drum will probably work better 'cause it's louder.) Oh yes, I will probably also try the stomping music. We NA's do like to dance, you know. And then if I can't do that, then I will write. I am finding that being here with you allows me to express this most unsettling emotion for me and not feel like I've caused myself a bunch of grief in the exposure. When all of the blue smoke has lifted, I'd like to discover that I had not offended too many people when all was said and done, thank you very much. Making apologies is next in line to the hated bookkeeping business, you know?

You know what? I'm sleepy and I'm going to bed. What kind of sane person keeps these hours? Hummm.... (please don't answer that.... I can already hear the comments going on in my head....like, Who said she was sane? Smile)

I am once again grateful that you are here with me. Thanks for hanging around. You can't know all that it means to me to have you in my life. I appreciate you. Aho.

Hugs,

Pat----->>>>>>>>>>passing the talking stick....