Getting Mad...... I don't think it's possible for me. That's not who I am. I had a therapist once try and tap into what she was sure was anger at my husband at that time so that I could resolve it but no dice. Long and boring story. So instead of getting mad at "nicosticks" (or whatever the lingo is in here, I have yet to learn it), I think what I'd rather concentrate on is the end of the rainbow for me. What it's going to be like when I get there, smoke-free.

It's not that I'm not angry but what I'm angry at is not my dependency on cigarettes but the tears that are falling like a broken water main! I am disgusted by the tears. I was born a tomboy. I could outhit, outrun, outplay any body on my block, no matter how old he was (smile). I was a tough little one. And it was not cool to cry. I had a bit of a tough childhood and my siblings always sheltered underneath my wings because of my strength. That has continued throughout my life. Whatever came my way, I handled it. That is until I met this quit. And I can't seem to shut off the water works and boy, does that make me mad! So, I thought, Ok, we'll just stay here in this mad and see how that feels.... It's not a comfortable place for me. I am all female now..... the tomboy is a cherished childhood memory and I have many mementos that remind me of those years, but you know, getting married and having babies sort of wakes you up to the female side of you, you know what I mean? So I know all about "feelings" and expressing them and all of that. But I sure could do without the tears. I am not happy with so many of them......damn, I can't see!

And just about now, I'd give anything for a hug. And living alone that is a mite difficult. So, I have envisioned the hugs that all of you would give me if you could.

Deep breath. Another Cinnamon Jolly Rancher (thank you Patty).
Another four thousand Kleenexes.
And another moment has passed.
Thanks for listening.

NewladyPat
1 day,4hour,32min,57sec.,23 not smoked.....

And I realized that I did not describe my rainbow but I'll leave that for another post...... it's gonna be a long night, I think.......