I was out wandering this morning. (I am really loving my morning walks. Not only do they get my body up and raring to greet the day but I receive a sense of well-being that I have not experienced before and I credit that sense of well-being to my having quit smoking.) It's Saturday here and Garage Sale time. As I walked through my neighborhood, I saw folks
setting up their tables and dragging their used treasures out of the garage in preparation for the people who will surely come to see what is "for sale" today.

That started me thinking.... (and yes, the brain fog does lift and go away. Oh thank gawd, huh?) I moved out after 17 years last year and I know what it is like to weed (!) through and decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to toss away. I had to make a conscious decision about what was valuable and what was no longer needed in my new life. (For example: I was NOT going to give up my 1958 foul ball signed by the whole Baltimore Orioles baseball team. Nope. That goes in the Save Box. It's value remains as high to me today as it did to that 11 year old who sat on it and thought she'd laid an egg. Giggle. But that stack of old letters from the ex kept over the years? Garbage now. Toss into the Out Box. That was old
thinking.)

So I'm marching around the track. (I have found a track to walk around that is not all that far from home. Excellent find.) And as I experienced the deep breathing that I can do now and as I marveled at the sense of well-being that has found me, I wondered, as I celebrate two months smobriety, what has been my course that has gotten me to where I am today? And one of the first thoughts that came to mind is that I spent some time early in my quit (my divorce of nicotine?) going through the way I thought about smoking. I took the time to isolate the thoughts that were no longer going to work for me and then started "morphing" (I do love that concept.) thoughts into what was going to work in my new non-smoking picture of me. Hummm.....

I opened up my garage door, set up my tables, started getting out what I once thought of as treasures but have now just become junk that is getting in my way. I have thought a lot about learning to live without nicotine since May 25th, my quit date. This newsgroup, composed of folks of every size, shape, color and with different approaches to life, has been such a gift to me. It has provoked thought and given me insights (as well as untold amounts of comfort and understanding) that has changed my life. The dialogues that I have had with many of you has allowed me to realize a degree of confidence in my quit that I have never experienced in any of my other quits before. But I have also had to do some work on my own and in the doing, would be the true security of my smoke-free existence for all time.

I am still learning the new me. I am still going through the garage digging through the old thought processes and deciding what to keep and what to toss but you know what? Think about it. I know how miserable I was in that first month of my quit. I thought the tears were NEVER going to stop. I couldn't find my brain anywhere. I accused everyone I knew of stealing it and keeping it from me. I know what it is like to feel like there is no solid footing underneath my feet and how panicked that made me feel. But this second month has been one of recovery for me. I did stop crying long enough to turn my eyes towards the picture of a smoke-free future. I have finally found my brain which was not lost at all, of course. It was just taking the time to heal. And I have also found my footing. And from here, it seems to me, that if I continue to clean out the garage when that is required, continue to morph the thoughts into a different picture when that is required, and then march on with the attitude that I am done, I have found a permanent place of smobriety. I have made my choice that I will live without nicotine and there's no going back for me. But now, two months into my quit, I am beginning to feel "recovery". And how sweet that is too.

One other thought that I just need to express here. I cannot live my life in fear that at some point down the road, some overwhelming "urge" is going to push me hard enough to make me want to grab for a smoke. I am not naive. I do know what you are referring to as I have lost a 2 1/2 yr. quit before. And I think I lost that quit because I was still a smoker who simply didn't smoke. I hadn't changed what I thought/felt about smoking. (The
de-romancing the cig was a great post and thread and true.) But what I have discovered (through ddSteve as I have said before) this time around is a new way (for me) of learning to live without nicotine. A way of approaching quitting by changing my thought patterns as I am going along in my quit. It consists of identifying the feelings that are produced when that "urge" presents itself, and then identifying the thoughts behind/attached to those feelings. And then changing those thoughts to a healthier stance. Why would I not continue this process? Why would I use this process to get me to a place of secure-in-my-quit, only to forget to use it in the future? I wouldn't, of course. So, if in the future, an "urge" presents itself, I will simply identify what it's about, address it and then change the thought, just like I have done all along to get to that place. I believe this is the key to my not ever having to look over my shoulder because I can use this method at any time, eh?

Well, for now, the garage sale is shutting down.... Hey, look at that meter and what happened while I was rambling on......

Two months, 0 weeks, 0 days, 0 hours, 0 minutes and 40 seconds. 1220 cigarettes not smoked, saving $167.75. Life saved: 4 days, 5 hours, 40 minutes.

I have to say one more time, thank you to all of you in this newsgroup who have given to me so generously of your time and energy and concern. I have benefited greatly from knowing you. If I were to start a list of names of those that I needed to thank, I would be here for another hour. That's how generous this group has been to me. So I won't list the names. But I do need to give a special thank you to those of you who own a piece of my heart for what you have taught me. You know who you are, eh? Thank you.

Now, that the stuff has been packed away and the garage doors are closed
until next time, did someone mention a beer and some music? Hey, let's party!!! I'm two months smoke-free and I'm ready to celebrate. You gonna join me or what? Giggle.

Pat/Yukpa hashi/Laughing Moon/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette