I am Yukpa hashi. I am a *joyful* Yukpa hashi because today I celebrate 10 months of smoke freedom. Yes!!! Mitakuye Oyasin.

I have been in contact with my quit group (Yea! Beeping Collar's, which includes Franz who is a handsome young and very hugable guy. Clever, too! Sorry. Inside joke and you had to be there. But I am giggling out loud here. He's gonna kill me too!) and all of the talk has been about the changes we have gone though in these last ten months. I have read our newsgroup and noticed the talk about the changes that you all are going through as well. It's part of the bargain we make, it seems.

I am sure I have written somewhere along the way about the changes that have been required of me because I chose to quit smoking. I had no idea about that part of a quit when I decided to get smoke free. Some of the changes have been wonderful; some of the changes have been not-so-wonderful. I would like to speak to those not-so-wonderful changes first.

I have read many times another's post that says they don't particularly like who they have become once they quit smoking. I also wonder how many folks lose their quits because they aren't prepared to deal with the changes? In me, I have watched myself, as I came up out of the smelly blue haze, go through some immense changes. I have battled quit depression which has forced changes in me that I certainly could have done without. I have watched how poorly I have handled stress and have been forced to change how I deal with life. I used to bellyache a lot to my quit coach, ddSteve, about facing ONE MORE change in attitude or perception or whatever. His response was always the same.... "So what?" What he meant by that was if I wanted my smoke freedom, "change" was part of the package. So I had to *DO* the change. I also don't deal well with anger, I don't have any patience and that I have hated the sometimes seemingly endless tears is an understatement. And I could go on and on about the "stuff" about me that has surfaced because I quit smoking. As I peeled away layer after layer and discovered more and more of me (btw, this is what I think of as part of the the "recovery process"), over the months, I find I am finally getting down to "healthy tissue". I am finally realizing healing. Huge Smile here. And that leads me to the wonderful changes.

I like to write about this part. I have shared so much of my life with you that I probably don't need to list the benefits I have realized since I quit smoking 'cause you already know most of them but here are a few of the special gifts I have gotten along the way.

When Steve taught me Cog Quitting, he handed me my first real gift from quitting smoking. I have been able to utilize that information not only thoughout my quit, to teach my brain new responses other than reaching for a cigarette, but it has bled over into learning new life skills as well. Thanks, my quit coach. I have realized courage that I did not know I had. I have taken that courage and tried new things. I have climbed mountains, literally. I have found fresh air and the smell of Spring to be
overwhelming in it's sweetness. I have two grandsons who tell me at every visit how much they love the fact that I quit smoking. They don't need to tell me, though, they *show* me by snuggling up under my chin and staying there. They didn't do that before I quit smoking. I have learned that the tears are cleansing and healing and to allow them ALL to fall, if need be. I have learned that the emotions are not to be feared but to be learned from. I am learning to deal with life straight up. And to me, that is the greatest gift of all.

My gratitude list is long as it has been an *amazin'* 10 months but the bottom line has been that change is not an ugly word. It is what I need to *DO* to get from one place (that was a chained and miserable existence for me) to the place where I want to be.... that of a sweet life of smoke freedom. Hey, I'm 10 months closer today.... Ain't that grand?

So, my 5/25'ers or my Beeping Collars, depending on what the outcome of the vote is (chuckling out loud here).... Franz, Harry, Map, Mark, Selma and our other brother, Frank.... Stand up and take a bow. We have earned this place of honor by walking the walk together for 10 months now. What say you? I'll race you to the tubs! I'm gone......

Yukpa hashi -------->>>>>>passing the talking stick
Laughing Moon/Pat/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette/kite maker

Ten months, 1 hour, 11 minutes and 49 seconds. 6080 cigarettes not smoked, saving $1,009.58. Life saved: 3 weeks, 2 hours, 40 minutes.