Isn't it interesting how hard we can be on ourselves? When we show our fallibility by losing a quit, all of a sudden we go in our thinking from the top of the mountain to the (sometimes dark) valley below. We see ourselves as failures. I have read many posts here in my favorite hangout that are from folks who have hit a bad patch. I want you to know, if you are one of those folks, you are NOT alone in experiencing this dip. I am not sure of the statistics regarding the number of times most folks try to quit (I remember reading about those figures at some point in my being here but I have long since lost that post. Anyone know?), but I do know that many of us have shared our experiences of quitting, then slipping, then requiting, then slipping and then requiting again. It is a COMMON experience!

The reason we have such trouble quitting and then staying quit, I think, is because this additiction is so insidious. For me, it ruled every facet of my life. I don't even know how many times I nearly ran over a person, in my effort to get out of the movie theater so I could smoke. Nearly two hours without a puff is a really long time to a smoker. I would don layers of clothes because it was really cold outside but I had no choice because I needed the nicotine. (I told the story in one of my early posts about how my neighbors used to tease me about my sitting out on my front porch, so bundled up I could barely walk, just so I could smoke. I also wrote the tease was only part of their thinking.... I could tell they thought I had lost some of my marbles as well. Maybe I had.) Every day was planned around my smoking. Securing the smokes and then when and where to smoke. It is no wonder we have such a hard time breaking away from that.

I have been very fortunate in this quit.... The pieces finally came together for me. There is still a lot of emotion behind that statement, though, because I remember very clearly the struggles that I went through before this quit. It seemed like I was never going to find the right key (or keys, as it turned out) to keeping a quit. I know how badly I felt about me, how sad it was that I was so weak-willed that I couldn't even walk away from something that was killing me, literally robbing me of my breath. I was my own saboteur. And those unworthy feelings kept me from trying to quit again because I was just sure I would fail one more time.... and I usually did. Remember you *are* courageous.... probably more courageous than you realize. You are bucking this addiction and trying to retrain your thought patterns that have been with you, probably for years and years. Believe me, it is the hardest thing you will ever do in your lifetime. But just the fact that you are here, that you are trying to find the pieces that will allow you to get free is proof enough that you are one strong person. Please don't you doubt that.

I honor you.... no matter where you are on this quit smoking path, no matter how many times you've made the decision to quit and then faltered somewhere down the pathway, no matter how long a quit or how short a quit you may have lost..... I honor you. Why? Because you are still here, you are still searching, you are learning what works for you and what doesn't, you are still reaching out and making a stand for freedom. You WILL get there.... if not today, then tomorrow for sure. Just don't quit quitting. Freedom will only come to you because of your continued effort.

And instead of looking at yourself as 'less than' because you may not have made it this time, try looking at the person I see.... that one who is trying to find one more part to the freedom puzzle.... AND the one who is showing an awesome bit of courage in the doing. Here's to those of you who are trying to find the pieces, Keep on keeping on,
Yukpa hashi/Pat,
DOF
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