Well, I haven't really posted an update for a few days. I don't know that I've ever experienced such a roller coaster ride in emotions in my life. I started to post a message last night that had to do with anger. Anger totally unsettles me. I'd like to do without this part please. I mean it so unsettles me that I truly, honest to god, cannot think straight. But once I had written the post, I got to thinking. Was it Mel who had written about metamorphosis? Well, I got to thinking about that and this roller coaster ride I have been on for the last few days. I was so angry yesterday, it really scared me. I felt like that 6 year old, over in the corner experiencing the terror of alcoholism out of control again. All day. I was so frightened, my body even got into the act by trying to purge itself from every orifice. By last night, I felt about as clean as a whistle and so drained I am glad I somehow found my way to my bed because I surely couldn't have gotten there by clear thought and intent.

After I had written the post and knew it was time to lay down, I decided not to send it because it was no longer truthful. I wasn't in that angry place anymore, I had already moved on to melancholy. (By this morning, I am back to a breathing place.) That's what I mean by roller coaster ride in emotions. I get a post written only to find I have moved on to another place before I finish the post. I need to learn to type in clear, concise, make that very short statements, and then maybe I can keep up with these changes in emotions and I could be able to let you guys know where I am. But I'm having trouble finding me and therefore can't let you know if I don't know, eh?

I don't like this part. When I was crying for about 3 days, that was not wonderful but my emotions weren't moving so fast I couldn't keep up with them. I pretty much expected to keep the Kleenex box with me wherever I was and I knew my eyes would be dripping no matter what I was doing. (Have you ever tried to sew a straight seam when you can't see 'cause everything is so blurry?) I really don't like the anger. I can't seem to get my footing. And these swings up and down, up and down....

And then I got to thinking about metamorphosis in relation to this emotional roller coaster ride. How we go through this process of learning to live without cigarettes. I don't have the cravings much anymore. It's "habit" now versus addiction, I think, that I am dealing with. (I know these are called triggers and every quitter probably goes through posting about these.) So I seem to bump into these all day long. And every time I come up against a "habit", I restate my intention and then get on with it, smoke-free for another moment. When I am in the midst of this roller-coaster ride, though, being clear as to intention and reason is very difficult. (Is this why so many restart smoking at this time? Hummm....)

And then I thought s'more, what if this is all a necessary process to get me from my view....MY VIEW....of the smoker Pat to the picture of the non-smoking, freedom loving Pat? What if this roller coaster ride is just my way of finding my balance again, that centered smoke-free place? I mean, how would I truly know who I am as a smoke free individual when I haven't known that person for a very long time? What does she do when she first gets up in the morning if not light up a cigarette? What does she do after she has eaten a wonderful meal? Every habit that has had smoking related to it needs new definition. Well, I guess it's going to be a painful process with a price attached to it for me. And even though I HATE this emotional roller coaster ride and the effort that it takes to maintain while I am experiencing it all and the toll that it is taking on me emotionally, physically and spiritually, when I take all of that into consideration, at the very bottom of the pile of Kleenexes, pissed off feelings and all of the words is that I am still 1 week, 4 days, 20 hours, 4 minutes and 18 seconds into a quit that I know I am willing to pay any price to maintain. I don't need any more pats on the back than what I got this morning when my grandson, Spencer, climbed into bed with me and laid his sweet head on my shoulder and said, "Grandma, I am so happy you quit smoking." Now there, I just got paid back for my effort to walk away from this addiction and habit about a million fold.

Pat
236 not smoked, savings of $32.57 but more importantly, life saved....19 hours and 40 minutes and climbing.... Hooray!