"Wrong-Way Yuk" didn't walk the track this morning. Instead, I woke up to hearing the wind outside my window and knew this was a kite-flying day. I grabbed the parafoil and took off to the track and knew the minute I let the kite go, it would take off and peel off line as quick as I would allow as it was that windy. And it did. Have you ever caught a 5 lb. Lahontan Cutthroat on an 8' graphite rod? Well, that's what holding onto the parafoil today felt like. Tugging and pulling and making quick darts and loop-de-loops in the sky, it was crazy and incredibly fun. And all I had to do was hang on and feel it all. But after awhile, I knew I had to get back home and so I started winding the line in.... And in the winding, I realized this is what this last week has been like for me.

I'm hot and cranky. I don't think any of you would have wanted to have been around me this past week. It was like I hit the plateau and then kept right on going until I leaped off the edge into an abyss. I don't have much experience with depression but depressed I certainly was. And I couldn't seem to stop crying....again. But the difference this time was that I didn't want to be with anyone. I wanted to be alone and not have to "communicate" what it was that I was going through. I took great pains to push my support group away. (I was to realize later how foolish this was of me.)

Did you guys know I used to cut diamonds for a living? Yep. It was the most wonderful thing that I have learned and done in my lifetime. Well, today what I feel like is I just got a facet finished or at least I am well on my way to polishing a new facet (new picture of me).

The lapping bench weighs about 400 to 600 pounds (depends on some stuff - attached motor for one thing.). The metal cutting wheel has a grooved spiral pattern to it. And since it takes a diamond to cut a diamond, diamond dust mixed with a bit of olive oil is placed in the grooves by a fingertip as the wheel spins at approximately 2500 rpm's. The rough stone is placed in a mechanical dop and the dop is held by a tang. And once all of the preparation is done and the orientation of the grain of the diamond is determined, the tang is lowered to the wheel and the first of 58 facets is cut.

Once a facet is cut (by grinding the diamond on the wheel for a length of time), one has to let the diamond cool off a bit before it is handled because it gets really hot. This is the point where I am at today. I am still hot from a new facet being polished. But once I cool down, I will be sporting a new smooth, polished finish on one aspect of me that will catch the light and sparkle like never before.

The problem is, of course, cooling off. When I was bringing in the kite this morning, I could only wind it so far and then I would have to pause for a moment. The wind kept tugging and playing with the kite so I'd wind up the line a bit and then rest and let the kite play a bit. Wind a bit and rest and play a bit. Coming back from this depression has been a very slow endeavor. I could go forward towards wellness a bit, then I would have to rest and just "be" for a bit. It has not been a straight line to come up out of this dark place. But coming out, I finally am. But it is like bringing in the kite this morning. I could only make a small amount of progress at a time.

So what did I learn (and am still learning) from this?

I can endure. I learned once again that I do have courage and I have the ability to work through these quit related "problems".

I learned to not push my support group away while I am feeling so bad. Even if I am unable to talk and communicate clearly, I still need to have someone nearby who knows what is happening to me and will sit with me through it all until I feel better (Thank you, Mr. T.).

I learned/saw a new piece of me in this depression. I continue to discover the real me. And you know what? She's not a bad kid. (Now, I know there are those of you who would disagree with that statement, but hush. I have the talking stick and no one is allowed to speak while I am holding it. Smile.) What I want to know is why I spent so many years hiding that person behind a smoky blue haze? Well, no more, of course. I'm a'lettin' her shine, facet by facet.

I also found that brillianteering facets is similar to the process of giving me a new picture of who I am without a cig dangling out of my mouth. (Oh gawd, that image is nauseating to me now. And to think I once thought that picture was so cool.) This process takes time and hard work and skill and courage. Each facet that I cut on that rough stone adds to the overall brilliance of the finished diamond. So I am polishing facets on this rough stone and when each facet is finished and held up to the light, the new picture is more brilliant than I would have ever guessed was possible.

Well, I am wondering if the rest of you sometimes feel in your quit like you're being ground and polished like a facet on a diamond? I'm beginning to see some brillianteering going on in my being. Hummm.... So it all pays off in the long run, eh? Smile.

Yukpa hashi --------------------->>>>>>>> passing the talking stick
Pat/Laughing Moon/Gaire Solas/Yareakh Tzokheq/budette