Hello all. I just got back from an amazing weekend and I thought I would share it with you. I am not sure when I posted last but let me put my meter up so that you know where I am at the moment.

One month, one week, five days, 18 hours, 35 minutes and 9 seconds. 875 cigarettes not smoked, saving $120.38. Life saved: 3 days, 55 minutes.

I am proud to say I am nearly 6 weeks quit and for the first time since quitting cold turkey on 5/25, I feel like I can take a clean, deep breath. I am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop (AKA a ride on the roller coaster, eh?). It may not all be over with but I am no longer holding on for dear life. I am ready to get on with it. Oh wow.... Doesn't that sound and feel good to the chest?

I took a short vacation down to San Diego to be with my family over the 4th of July. I was so wary of going. My siblings and I have smoked together for many years now. Thankfully my younger sister (quit since last March 23rd) and brother (1 1/2 yr quit) have both stopped smoking, so I did have some support there for what I felt was still a fragile quit. But still....

I have read and posted in this newsgroup from the beginning of my quit. The struggles I have gone through are well documented so I am not going to recount them here. Just know this, it has not been easy for me. I have worked damn hard to get to where I am today.

There was one event that happened that brought home to me just how far I have come in my process to learn to live without nicotine. On Saturday night, I went to a Wynonna Judd/Michael Bolton concert with my older sister (a smoker). I sat next to a lady who chain smoked--one right after another. And with my sister also smoking around me, one would have thought that would trigger something in me. I loved the music! I am not one for sitting still when music is playing. I always have a foot keeping time or hands clapping out the beat or both. (Can't you just visualize this ol' Grandma rockin' out?) It was great! (BTW, the fireworks happened in the middle of the concert and they were spectacular. Happy Birthday, America!) Well, it was plain fun all the way around.

I was up early the next morning and since there was a nice breeze, I decided to walk down to the beach to fly my kite. (Since I am still not sleeping well, I use the early morning hours to walk. And who can pass up a walk on the beach?) I gathered my siblings and off we went. (I can't remember a time, even as children, where we flew kites together; so this opportunity was very special indeed for me.) As I was flying the kite with my siblings all chatting and some smoking around me, I realized something. It struck me that I was at this concert the night before with smokers all around me and I didn't give the smoking a second thought. I watched my siblings smoke and I paid it no never mind. I had no response to it at all. It didn't offend me or tempt me. Now, that is incredible to me. Especially after all I have been through over the last 5 weeks. How did I get to this place?

I never doubted that I would quit smoking. I knew on the day that I quit that I was done for all time. I had made up my mind that I simply could not smoke again. I am 50 and I was beginning to feel the serious effects of having smoked for 25+ years. The coughing and chest pain and shortness of breath was so evident already, I was starting to get really concerned about me. I think it was Mickie (??) who asked how one committed to a quit? For me, I found something worth quitting for and then I hold that vision out in front of me. (I want to play baseball with my grandsons. It is so important to me that I am willing to pay the price to learn to live without nicotine so I can do this.) But the "something" is just a motivator for me. The bottom line is that I want to learn to live without nicotine so I will have complete control over my body. And to gain back that control, I need to reclaim (thank you, Simon) my body first. And in order to reclaim it, I have to go through all of this bullshit, this roller coaster ride, these tears, the anger, the sadness, the loss, the realizations, .... well....all of it. And most of it is damn hard work. How simple it was to give my body away to nicotine. How easy it was to pick up that first smoke. I can remember exactly when that was too. Boy, how ignorant I was at the time of the lifelong ramifications and of the struggle that would ensue because of that ignorance. Well, I'm done being stupid. And I simply don't care what it costs or how hard it is to get back to a place of wellness. Besides, this hard work and vigilance doesn't last forever. (Even my beloved Sierra-Nevadas peak at some point and then it's all downhill from there.)

I have established what I call a "Quit Code of Ethics" for myself. (Up until recently, these were known by me but not written down. Write them down.) These are my personal reasons for learning to live without nicotine. Once established, it is then up to me to honor them; which in turn, of course, honors me.

I have learned over these weeks a great deal from ddSteve that has helped me to put a face on the feelings that quitting has evoked, to learn what to do once the feelings are recognized and then how to change my brain response when those feelings pop up. In changing the response, I believe I am learning to live without nicotine in a permanent way. When the realization hit me while I was on the beach flying my parafoil, that I must have been successful in my efforts to learn to live without nicotine to date, deduced by my reaction or lack of reaction to having smokers around me, I felt such a sense of accomplishment. And I felt pride for having made it to this plateau, to this place of clean, deep breathing. I have earned this place.

This is not a patronizing statement nor is it said lightly but I am here to say, Join me. This plateau is attainable. It is not a matter of if I can, so can you. It's not that at all. But I do believe if you want something bad enough, you figure out a way to get it. I wanna play ball with my grandsons....So, batter up! Anybody want to join me for a sandlot game?

Pat
Yukpa hashi
Gaire Solas

"We come. We go. And in between we try to understand."
-Rod Steiger